Saturday, March 19, 2016

Let's talk about sex!

Sex is great, pleasurable, fun and all the while sex makes babies. But uh, that's beside the point. Sex is something we should all feel comfortable talking about. Whether it's with our parents (or let's just save the birds and the bees convo for them) our friends but most importantly the person we are having sex with. You should never feel guilty about what you desire. When it comes to sex, there are no limitations. (However, it must be consensual).

I noticed that a majority of people are afraid to talk about sex or don't talk about it at all. It was something they kept a secret. What's so secretive about it? I love sex just as much as the next person and I will openly tell you about my sex stories, in fact, I want to share them.  I want to hear how many times other couples have sex during the week, their favorite positions, if they use toys or not and what freaky fetish they like. I'm curious to know what keeps others sex lives going strong as well as why it dies down for others.

As we all know, the key to great sex is communication. When you're on the same page as your significant other, you'll both feel more satisfied. Maybe you don't know where to start or what to even say, so I listed three important things to help you along the way. 'Cause nothing is more of a mood killer than screaming out "DONT DO THAT!" when someone is about to orgasm.

Be Specific:

Tristan Taormino had given this advice to a fellow blogger,

The thing that everyone has to realize is that it's all about all the details and it's all about the specifics. You can't even assume that when you say "I like this," like "I like it rough," what that even means is going to be different for every single person. So you've really got to get specific. [...] You can't ask open-ended questions. You can't say things like "What you do think of our sex life?" or "What do you like to do in bed?" These really generalized questions can easily get you an "Everything's fine" answer, and then it's like, the conversation's over. So I think you have to ask more pointed questions, like "Did you like it when I tugged on your balls when I was blowing you," or "How do you like your clit played with? Do I do it too hard, do I do it too soft? Would you show me how you like it?"

Ladies, you can't assume your partner will play with your clit the way you want them to, speak up and don't be vague. Ask for it in the sexiest way possible. Use your hands to direct them where to touch and the velocity or show them yourself! Trust me, it's effective. And as for gents, don't be afraid to tell your lady how you want your cock to be handled.

Have a sex conversation outside of the bedroom:

My partner and I have done this on multiple occasions. We sat down with each other and shared our wildest fantasies, what we were willing to try, our boundaries, what we liked and what we didn't like. Make sure to listen to them and take mental notes. So the next time you get to fucking, both of you should be leaving the bedroom with smiles on your faces.

Now, if you're shy and afraid to talk about it directly, Taormino says,

If you feel really shy, and you aren't a person who has a direct communication style, then you could bring things up in a more neutral way. So instead of saying, "Honey, I want you to go down on me for a lot longer than you do," you can say, "I was reading this article online the other day, about how most women like oral sex to go on for at least twenty minutes. What do you think about that?" So there's no criticism there and there's no direct, "I want this from you now," but it's like, "Hey, what do you think about that?" It's a little less direct but it still could open the door to you guys talking about whatever it is you want to talk about.

If something doesn't feel good, say it positively:

Like I said, nothing is more of a mood killer than yelling out, "Don't do that", or "Stop it now". Turn those negative words into something positive, try something such as "You know what I'd like you to do to me?" and of course, fill in the blank. In that sense, you're not commenting on what's currently happening or showing that you're not feeling it. You're just shifting gears entirely, and it's like, "hey, I'd really like you to do this to me," which sounds encouraging, which can be sexy if said in a certain way, and keeps the whole vibe positive.

Safe words are nice, too. My partner and I created a safe word. Avocado. A safe word is what you say when you want it to end immediately and your partner is supposed to honor that request.  It's important to have when getting kinky because sometimes when you say, "Noooooo". It could just be that it feels good. So we don't get anything twisted with the word Avocado. How could you?

There's a lot you can do to keep your sex life alive and well. Personally, I learned things from watching porn and from my past and present sexual encounters. I found my likes and dislikes and I wasn't hesitant to give anything a try. I think sex is all about exploring new and different things. We're all our own sexperts. We know exactly what turns us on and what doesn't. However, don't forget to share that information with the person you're getting intimate with because they are not mind readers.  Do whatever makes you feel comfortable but remember, you won't get anywhere by staying silent.