Fucking love. Everyone says it, everyone will experience it or wants to. Me? I'm skeptic. I was never naïve when it came to relationships and it had to take more than a cute face and a big dick to give someone all that I had. When I tried, I failed. So it's no wonder to this day I built up walls that are protecting my emotions and feelings with some heavy duty shit.
My first boyfriend cheated on me. My second boyfriend cheated on me. One of whom said he loved me and ASKED me to marry him. I was sixteen, come on now. Right from the start, I was introduced to boys who would tell lies for reasons still unknown to me. Maybe it was because we were young and didn't know any better but it left me with nothing but doubt.
The first time I thought I may have felt love was with a boyfriend I had in high school. He was charming, made me laugh and we had a lot in common. He respected me and I respected him. I wanted no one else but him. Needless to say, when I needed him the most, he threw me away as if the situation I was put in was my fault. (A really long sad story for another time). Once I realized how disposable I was to these guys I let into my life, I promised myself I wouldn't fall for it anymore. And I most certainly didn't. Well, kind of. Once we split, I flirted with whoever I wanted, knowing I did not want anything from them in return. I didn't trust any man as far as I could throw him. "I could treat you so right, girl." Um, sure you could. There was nothing they could tell me that I didn't hear before. This led me to break up with a boyfriend I had at the time for over a year and a half for the very first guy I dated, the same one who cheated on me. I bumped into him at my friends house and it was then and there, I knew what I wanted. When we first dated, we never had sex. We also only dated for a short month. But it was there when I saw him for the first time in years an overwhelming feeling of lust washed over me. He looked much better than he did when I saw him last, he was more fit and had a confidence about him. I pretty much sent my friend a text when I left, "I want to fuck Pat's brains out". Can I tell him? "Better yet, give him my phone number." I was completely detached from anything I once felt about him. All that there was now was a sexual attraction to play on. We spent a whole summer just having sex. No strings attached. No feelings involved. I heard, "I don't want a girlfriend" over and over again and I would reply back with, "Good, I don't want a boyfriend." However, it was hard to deny that I felt something for him because if I didn't, I wouldn't have cared when he told me he had sex with another girl. A girl who was good enough to be his girlfriend. (Though, he cheated on her after two weeks with me.) It was Pat who made me think that maybe guys didn't find me datable. It was frustrating because I wanted to mean more than sex to someone. I mean, I thought I only wanted sex from them but then I became unsure of myself. I think because I was only offering sex to them, they accepted it. I wasn't letting them see the best version of myself and I appeared to just be this sexual conquest. A part of me wanted someone to look at me and see more but I wasn't sure if they ever would. I know I wasn't looking for the right guys either. One night stand, after one night stand, dealt with a psycho or two and then I found my current partner. I knew him from my past, we worked together and I actually had a crush on him so it was mere coincidence we crossed paths again and this time he gave me a chance.. We have been together for two years and it may seem hard to believe but we never told each other those three words. It didn't bother me because I liked whatever it is the fuck we shared. He told me he didn't believe in love and I was determined to call his bluff. However, the more time we spent together, I really was okay with everything we had and I didn't need to tell him I loved him. I didn't need to feel pressured to say it or feel it. I could be myself with him. I know he doesn't keep me around just for sex, yeah, we fuck like rabbits but he could find that in anyone. We definitely have a deep connection of some sort but I'm not going to sit here and try to figure what it is or label it. We are free to be ourselves and I find that to be the most important. We did start off rocky, he still kept his OkCupid profile and I saw for myself he was still active on it and he called me his exes name a few times but I told myself, whatever. The sex was so good, I wasn't going to give up that easily on him. Of course, that all passed and we're going strong. I don't know if I love him and it's a huge reason why I won't tell him, I mean, if I was in love, wouldn't I of all people know? It doesn't matter how long we're together, I don't need to be forced to express feelings I'm unsure of.
I definitely think all my past encounters led me to feel the way I do now about relationships. I'm always learning. Trying to separate lust from love but at the end of all of it, feelings suck. You're either expected to marry this person and if you don't, it's safe to assume you'll eventually break up. But me? I just wanna let it be and live in the moment. I take it day by day and if he can make me fall for him, he deserves my love. It just doesn't seem like a possible thing for me to feel for anyone aside from my family and cat. I'm not trying to hand my heart over to later feel it break into a million pieces. But if anyone can make me fall in love or feel it for the first time, I think it could be him. And if he can do that, well, he would have me wrapped around his finger.
Until next time xoxo,